broken glass

Do you ever just feel like a pile of broken glass strewn across the floor?  Searching for the glue to try to get back together again.






 

A discussion about loss

I would like to start a discussion board about how people have dealt with loss.  It can be any type of loss.  If you have any advice for anyone struggling with a loss please post a comment. 

My advice is basically that the pain will never completely go away.  They things that helped me the most at the worst times of my grief have been to find a way to vent.  Since I am an artist I would draw or paint to help vent my emotions.  If you can talk to someone it can help but I had a hard time talking at all.    

Another thing that helps is writing.  I started out writing in my journal, as if talking to an imaginary friend.  It will be a friend that is silent, cannot judge or say the wrong thing.  Now as you may know from my previous posts I am writing a memoir about the experience.  This has been instrumental in helping me remember what happened.  Some people may want to forget, but my biggest fear was that it would become unreal over time and feel like it was all a bad dream.  I want to remember it.  It has changed me as a person, and I want to embrace those changes and use them to make myself a better more appreciative person. 

So I had some computer issues.  Currently still working through them.  But I have it figured out and stabilized.  Been doing well on the writing of the book.  I have been researching self publishing a lot.  Its very interesting and I have found that there is not need to put any money into it, and the percentages of my royalties are good.  I really am not doing it for the money.  I just figured I'd do the research to see what the specs are. 

Mean while.  I went to Vincent's kindergarten graduation.  It was spectacular.   I hope that one day when I am finally teaching I will be able to help with the productions that the kids do.  They always seem to be so excited about them.  Last Christmas Vincent had one that I couldn't make it to, I couldn't afford taking the time off work and have money to give them a Christmas and I will forever regret it.  But I'm sure I've made up for it by now. 

Book progress

Ok, so I just finished chapter two.  I think it is coming along nicely.  I also found that it is easiest to publish a eBook instead of a paper book.  A lot of authors publish the eBook first and then if that goes well eventually publish the paper book.  Since this is my first book, I think this may be the best route for me.  But I will continue to research my options I still have plenty of time to decide since the book is not complete.  If anyone has real experience with publishing books please comment or email me with your advice. 

Jeffrey and I are both unemployed and I have to say it is the hardest thing to experience.  We both thought we would have call backs for jobs a few times and then never get them.  Sometimes it can really make you wonder what to do.  You are never sure which bills should be paid and which you can wait on.  Luckily we have a landlord that is very patient with us on rent.

But one of the main things that bothers me is Maya got some money for her birthday and it is so tempting to use it for bills.  I will never do it, but has anyone else ever had a temptation like that?

Hello world

So I thought it would be a nice way to pass time by writing on here again.  A lot has happened since my last post of course.  

I am unemployed and currently working on finishing up the final steps to get my teaching license. 

I love playing video games.  I did read a lot but for some reason at the moment I have readers block and cannot seem to get into a book. 

I am a Netflix addict, lol. 

But the main thing I find my self doing is running around the house trying to keep up with house chores. 

I would like to put some articles on here about a few things but I am not sure where to start.  One of the things I am currently working on is a memoir about my recent loss of a baby.  I think what I am going to do is try to finish it and look into it getting published.  Finishing it will be a challenge as it is very painful to recollect everything that happened.  Plus I have no idea how to get something published, guess I will get there when I get there.  But mainly I just want people to hear my story and for the women out there that have been through it t know that they are not alone.  I am putting things in the book that I have not even told my family or friends as well because I don't talk about it much at all. 

wow

I haven't posted on here in a long time.

The world of being a mommy can be very challenging. Some days i feel like I am running around non stop from they get back to bed.

I have Vinny looking up at me looking like a little bitty man, telling me all kinds of stuff, most of which I don't understand. Then I have Maya who needs to be busy all the time. She wants to paint, she wants to cut and paste. Could we play cards, how about read a book.

I really get frazzled sometimes, But one thing is for sure, i would not have it any other way.

Vincent and Maya

We are all doing really well. Vincent is getting bigger and bigger. He was 8lbs and 13 oz last time we went to the doc. Maya is doing really good. She is doing well preparing for kindergarten next year. She loves to sing the ABC's together and I'll stop singing while she isn't paying attention and she keeps singing them right!

Vinnie smiles at everything! And he laughs a lot. He talks quite a bit too.

Hey out there

Well I have mom's Internet for the day so I figured I'd do a post.

I will be 32 weeks Thursday, this is a good milestone to reach because that is the gestation Maya was born in and we all know she is doing fine. I am having contractions regularly every 5 minutes or so, sometimes more aggressive feeling than others, depending on how "easy" I have been taking it. I go to the doctor to get a check up Thursday so we'll see what he says. Last time I was checked I believe was a week and a half ago and I was 2 centimeters dilated.


Maya has been telling people, "My mommy's belly is so big!" And Jeffery's sister said the other day they were at the store and there was another pregnant woman there, and Maya said "My mommy's belly is a lot bigger than that lady's" LOL. I guess in her eyes the bigness is like a competition?

Me-o-Maya

My Maya has been taking such good care of me during this pregnancy. I was in the hospital for contractions and the day that I got home, right after Jeffrey left, I was having a rather painful contraction. No matter how hard you try to hide stuff like that Maya can always tell that something isn't quite right. So she is asking me what was wrong, and I told her I was hurting. She says "Do you need to go to the hospital?" It was so sweet how she said it. I told her I didn't want to and she, of course, asked why, so I told her " Cause I want to stay here with you"





The other day Rocky gave Maya some money cause we were going to the dollar store. She had to took at the whole store and finally when it was time to pay and go she put her thing she wanted, which was a dollar, on the counter and mom and I told her now you have to give him the money. She wouldn't let me count it out for her, instead she reached into her pocket, pulled out a nickle and set it on the counter. It was so funny, as if she was thinking "that should cover it".

easter 2009

Eli's 2nd birthday

I tried to get a lot of pics but these kids are just too fast!

Maya loves to jabber

New pics of maya and from the ice storm in January

New art

Here is some of the art I have recently completed.

Maya is going to be a big sister

I'm 16 weeks pregnant. I met the doctor, the last time it was the nurse practitioner, and I feel really confident that I'm in good hands. And he reassured me that it is "OK" to have a baby at 32 weeks, its when you have one in twenty something weeks that it is very worry some because then the baby has serious heath problems their whole life. So he said we will try to go full term but if we don't then at least get to a safe term. Plus he said I will know what the signs are that things are going wrong because they'll be written in my system like a computer so if any alarms go off in my head I'll be able to just make an appointment and go from there.

So enough on that subject:

Maya is really excited about being a big sister. She comes up to me and says "Mommy, can I see yours baby?" referring to my belly, which I will suppose will be my baby until no longer pregnant. So I say yeah, and she pulls my shirt up and leans in closer and says "Hi baby, its me Maya. I will not make you cry. I love you." and she kisses my belly. She does this fairly often telling the baby all sorts of things. It is so sweet, the baby will know who she is upon arrival.

how are you feeling?

I am having a lot of pressure so far. But not so nausiated any more. I already have to pee every 10 minutes! And i am tired. But all is normal so thats good.

The latest on my end of the world

Well, for those of you who don't know: I am 13 weeks pregnant today. This pregnancy so far has been quite miserable. I am constantly exhausted, and go from phases of being nauseated to phases of wanting to eat everything in sight.

Maya seems very interested in the whole situation. She says she has a baby in her belly too. When we ask her if she wants a brother or a sister sometimes she says brother sometimes sister, but one day she says "A brother and a sister".

Maya's imagination, medical practices, and more

Today Maya walked up to me and says 'Hi my name is Susie' I didn't know what to say so I say 'OK'. So she was 'Susie' for like 15 minutes, it was quite cute.

Maya sees a freckle on my arm and says "Oh mommy, you have an owwie, you need some butter." I say "Why do I need butter?" She doesn't reply just proceeds to put some slobber on her finger and rub it on my freckle, then she says "All better!" I said "Yeah, all better". And as time went by I have discovered not only that butter is actual slobber, but it has all kinds of healing abilities. If you have an owwie, chapped lips, a messy face, the possibilities are endless, just put some 'butter' on it. And could you guess who she could have possibly learned this from? None other than Mommy her self. We are headed out and I realize she has a small splotch of chocolate on her face, no wipes handy, so I lick my finger and rub it away. She looks at me and says "Mommy, you spit on me!" I say "It's OK I was just using a little slobber to clean your face". weeks later she cleans my face with slobber.

Sick

I have a cold, and everyone who knows me knows it takes me forever to fight them off. Work is going well. I was hired on as a temperary worker and I am hoping for a permenant position, but I did have to call in quite a few times and that may keep me from getting one. Blah!!